7 things I learned after 2 years off social media

or: Where the Hell Has Alex Been?

I can still remember it so clearly. Christmas Day, 2018. As with most families with young kiddos, we were up early to unwrap gifts and enjoy the holiday. After an hour, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling well - and as it turned out, I had a nasty stomach bug.

In between bouts of throwing up and while feeling miserable, I was scrolling through Facebook (why did I do that to myself) and seeing everyone’s “we’re a happy family enjoying a joyous, styled Christmas” images. A different kind of sickness wrapped around my heart. There was no way I could drag my sweaty, pasty carcass out of bed to create a photo like that, and it was a thunderbolt moment to realize - *that* was my worry. Not about my health. Or the health of my family.

But would I have a fucking photo to post on social media. Ugh.

This realization was followed by a wave of not-happy emotions.
+ Resentment: that likely no one would notice or care.
+ Frustration: that I craved that validation.
+ Exhaustion: as I came to grips with the fact that I was trying to ‘keep up’ with the waves of social media.

I was caught in the rip tide, and felt like it was using me - not the other way around.

So my absence wasn’t some ideal-minded, thought out process. I didn’t do a “farewell” post or have goals for my time away. It was a visceral, sharp reaction that just… kept going.

Here are 7 things I learned in my 2 years off social media:

Good things I learned:

There is a gift in living just for me. There was a sneaking feeling of “having” to check in, that “pics or it didn’t happen” mentality that had seeped into my daily patterns. Going somewhere, doing something, thinking and feeling something - when I was offline, it was just for me. While there was no validation, during this time - there was also no judgment. And while my loved ones don’t judge me, isn’t there a bit of self-judgment we place on ourselves? When this post gets more likes or comments, and another doesn’t? I was trying to make pictures, comments, posts for everyone else. Not for me. Creativity and health live in the quiet spaces. Social media was soaking up any opportunity for creative space. Stepping back made room in my day - in my life - to fill with meaningful things. Books. Walks. Exploration. Self care. Poetry. Observation. Feeling emotions without feeling beholden to explain myself to everyone else. I’m still not great at this. But I’m getting better.
I got out of the comparison game. I’ve struggled with this one since high school - pre social media days. My creativity. My self worth. My perception of who I am as a woman, a mother, a person. I am certainly aware that any social media is a curated highlight reel of the best/funniest/prettiest/whatever other-est. But it’s one thing to know something, and another thing to be steeped in that environment. I couldn’t see the value and beauty of my work or my life, because it wasn’t as good as… as interesting as… as gripping as… that other artist. I must not have been doing motherhood or adulting right, because certainly no one else was talking about how hard it was. So then as things got harder for me, it got even harder to share. I didn’t have a highlight to share. I couldn’t bring myself to be Eeyore online, and I recognized that stepping away would allow me the privacy and space I needed.
Hustling is bullshit - but progress rocks. Loud voices telling me to hustle - to chase the hustle - are actually bullshit. Maybe this one is controversial. Maybe the idea of hustling works for you - and I’m glad. I’m not gatekeeping this concept - I am embracing the realization that for me - for right now - this is a false and hurtful premise. You know what’s super freaking cool though? Coming back after 2 years removed and seeing how all of you have grown. Artists are even more talented. Voices are stronger. Families are bigger. Dreams are being realized. I SEE YOU AND YOU ARE AMAZING. Maybe it doesn’t feel like much day in and day out, but your progress over 2 years is astonishing. Keep it up.
I am in charge of how I spend my time. I was wrestling for years to respond to the notifications, to do things because “I had to”. If there’s anything I’m profoundly grateful for within this process, it’s the realization that it’s again bullshit and my number of DGAF moments has grown into whole hours, days, weeks, months. This is meant to be a bell or whistle to life, not the essence. So where do I find meaning and satisfaction? In the connection, the discovery, the relationships.

Bad things I learned:

5. I didn’t say goodbye. This one sucks. I know I didn’t handle this well - and I carry sadness and regret about that. My major defensive coping mechanism is pulling back/avoidance, and I’ve been working my ass off in therapy on that. If I bailed on you - I’m so sorry. I’m working my way back to connecting again, and I understand you may not have had time to deal with my nonsense. I wish you the best, and I’m so thrilled to witness your growth and accomplishments over the last two years. If I choose to leave again, I’ll be sure to let my kindred folks know what’s going on. It’s not just me in the world.

6. Removing myself from social media meant I exited the comparison river, but it also cut off a big source of inspiration and encouragement. I didn’t have anyone to talk to who “gets” it - that the ‘making pictures’ mindset never really turns off. Or to ask what did you try/how did you get there. My own development slowed dramatically during this time - it was a creative tunda (winter+desert - just go with me here). If I left again, I’d make sure I had a safe place to soak into creative inspiration and connect with other artists.

7. In a challenging season of life, I cut myself off from people who cared for me. I thought this was what I needed (and maybe I did need that sense of privacy), but as I’m working my way through the last couple of years - I realize that the isolation likely prolonged the suffering and the willingness to tap into my self awareness. Maybe I wasn’t ready to engage with that, so the pulling away fed right into that desolate place. More work to be done here, but that’s where I’m at today.

Of course, I feel like I have to justify myself. It hasn’t been all bad. Of course not. But I would say that I lost time. In creativity, growth, development… oof.

Here are some highlights from that time: